Sun rise, sun set

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For those of you who don’t live with anxiety it’s hard to understand what it must be like. I started a painting to help illustrate how in the minds eye everything is going to shit and burning around you even when there is beautiful things in your life. Understanding an anxiety disorder is impossible. Living with an anxiety disorder is a matter of perspective.

2014-07-10 19.02.00And you want to know the reason I’m having terrible anxiety?! Because this has been happening everyday for a week….

Yep, sending me over the edge!

Yep, sending me over the edge!

It really is the small things…

 

I’ve been neglecting you…

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But don’t worry. That doesn’t mean that all the strange WTF moments have ceased to exist.

This little ditty happened a few weeks ago and I still laugh about it today. I also tell people about it when I remember that it happened which is fairly regular since this type of thing happens A LOT!

An epic conversation with husband one day after a very restless night of sleep….I’m the blue…Just wanted to clarify. I’m not seeing imaginary things…

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I love how things are always in the middle of the night when really it's typically never past 10 p.m.

I love how things are always in the middle of the night when really it’s typically never past 10 p.m.

Drum roll please……..

Like Alice in Wonderland maybe?!

Like Alice in Wonderland maybe?!

Never a dull moment in this house.

 

Women’s Social Distortion

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This is not a power rant or a woman power post. Rather, it is a glimpse into the reality that is being a woman in today’s society. In my opinion this post is about helping women be who they really are instead of trying to be something or someone that is always guarded and protected.

I recently read a blog post by a man titled, “Seeing A Woman: A conversation between a father and a son”. You can find the article here: http://natepyle.com/seeing-a-woman/#sthash.Bnp0JVln.dpbs  In a nutshell this man has a talk with his son about the importance of not objectifying women and that it’s okay to look at them but not to treat them like a piece of meat. It’s a good read and goes right along with the social experiment that I just did.

For 10 days I went without any makeup. I wore my hair up in a pony tail and refused to put on a touch of makeup. The purpose was to see NOT how many men noticed but rather how many WOMEN noticed.

Natural

Natural

I then posted this picture on one of my social media sites proclaiming that I had been makeup free for so many days, etc. The majority of the people, mainly men, stated that makeup was overrated. And they are right. But that wasn’t the most astounding part of this study.

The most interesting thing that I took away from this was that women were much more receptive to me as a person. They wanted to talk to me and there wasn’t any type of hesitation in approaching me. Women that wouldn’t normally stop for conversation all of a sudden were interested in what I was all about.

This is nothing new to me. I have a lot of male friends. In fact for my entire life the majority of my friends have always been males. Of course there have been a few females in there that I have gotten close to but it’s nothing like having male friends. I noticed back than that when my male friends acquired new girlfriends those girlfriends were comfortable being around me in a relaxed setting. However, put us all in a situation where we are out in a social setting and suddenly the girlfriends think that you are trying to sleep with their men. Mainly because instead of being in relaxed, non-threatening situation we are all suddenly in a situation where we as women feel like we have to be on high alert for any chick who we feel could be a threat to our existence.

Here’s what I have to say to that. It is the strangest WTF moment of all time! If I choose to go out in public looking like this:

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there should be absolutely no reason that any other woman around me needs to be feel threatened. But that’s not the case. And I’m not saying that’s the case because I think that I’m beautiful, I’m saying in general other women are threatened by women who look well put together. They never stop to think that maybe other women want to do their makeup and hair because it makes them feel good, not because they are out on the prowl looking to steal someone’s man away from them.

The most fucked up thing about all of this is that as a society we blame men for this type of behavior. Men are constantly being blamed for ogling women and “objectifying” them. In fact I can’t tell you how many women I have heard say that if it wasn’t for men setting such high standards we wouldn’t have the epidemic of eating disorders and plastic surgery. Body distortion would be non-existent if men would just stop setting the bar so high right?

Wrong!

In fact, that is far from the truth. Women do this shit to themselves. I am very comfortable with who I am. I am comfortable with or without makeup, I am comfortable in social settings with other men and women. The best part is I’m comfortable enough to know that my husband can go out for a night on the town with his buddies with a bunch of women around and know that no matter what, he’s coming home. I know that no matter what I look like I have a happy, healthy home where body image and makeup do not justify my relationship with the people around me. I also know that I can go out with all my makeup done and my hair done or I can go out plain as could be and the outcome will always be the same. I’m always going to come home. I’m not out searching for anything else.

Society is sick. When you Google fat celebrity women this is what you get:

This is what society deems as "fat" women. Are you fucking kidding me? They look like women to me. With curves and a body...

This is what society deems as “fat” women. Are you fucking kidding me? They look like women to me. With curves and a body…

I think that as women we need to take a long hard look at ourselves and ask if our feelings of insecurity are real or something that is created by a society that has made it okay. A society that has virtually destroyed the joys of being a woman and made it nearly impossible to feel good about being a woman. Society and the media has also unwittingly destroyed relationships by making women jealous and suspicious of anyone who looks sideways at their men or vice-versa.

I think that it’s high time that the women of today’s generation do a study of the women of the 1950′s. The only thing that they had to worry about back than was being too skinny. Yes, you heard that right:

Gain 10 pounds to wear a swim suit?! Unheard of in this society!

Gain 10 pounds to wear a swim suit?! Unheard of in this society!

Holy shit! At one time it was actually okay to have curves!

Holy shit! At one time it was actually okay to have curves!

Be confident! Be yourself! And for fucks sake, stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and for the love of Christ stop thinking that everyone is out to destroy you. That is the most ugly thing about you, trust me. You are who you are no matter what you look like. You don’t change as a person when you wear your makeup and do your hair. Just be real!

 

 

 

Distortion…

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I’m not real sure how I got to this point. Everything is fine on the work and home front. There hasn’t been anything more or less stressful than usual.

But that’s the shit part about a mental disorder isn’t it?! It just kind of sneaks up on you when you least expect it and all of a sudden you’re sitting in your chair wondering why you can’t sit still anymore. If you don’t suffer from anxiety disorder than I’m happy for you. But if you do than you know exactly what I’m saying.

Mania for me means absolute paranoia. When I’m in this state of mind all of a sudden things that typically wouldn’t bother me take on a whole new meaning.

I have a terrible temper but you would not know from being around me on a regular basis. It takes a lot to “trip my trigger” but my anger isn’t like most. Mine is a paranoid anger and builds in layers thus causing panic and delusion.

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Layer 1 is what I like to refer to as the slow boil. It’s typically something minor that someone says or rather doesn’t say to me that will start the churning that I feel when the onset of anxiety strikes. This type of anxiety is easily managed and typically goes away within a matter of a few hours.

Layer 2 is when the physical part of anxiety becomes noticeable. Imagine that you just drank a liter of cola and then took energy pills. You know those jitters that you feel from the high amount of caffeine?! That’s exactly how anxiety presents itself. Only mix the caffeine crash in there with it so that you’re sleepy yet can’t sit still, can’t focus, and are generally “spacing off”.

Layer 3 is when the people around you start to notice something’s off. It’s also when paranoia sets in. For example, today I sent a text to someone asking a general question and never got a response. That has pushed my anxiety into overdrive. What did I do to this person to upset them?! Why doesn’t this person like me? What did I do to make it so that this person won’t talk to me? Is it something I said? I’m also at this point making a mental scan of all the interactions I’ve ever had with this person to try to trigger a memory of what could have possibly gone wrong. A normal person who isn’t paranoid would just chalk it up to someone having a life and I typically would too except for at this point I’m too far into the delusion to think rationally.

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Layer 4, which is where I’m at now, is just chaos. From the outside looking in you would never even know that I’m boiling on the inside. I don’t even know what I’m pissed off about because there is nothing, and I mean NOTHING for me to be mad about. There is really also nothing for me to be paranoid or worried about. I know in my mind that there is nothing going on in my life right now to cause this much anxiety but my brain and my body fight against each other in times like this. I can hold a normal conversation with a person like nothing is going but deep down I’m sizing them up and trying to read exactly what the “secret” message is.

This is one of my favorite songs of all time. There is no other song out there that describes what I sometimes go through better than this song:

It’s over now. The mania has passed. Right now I’m just tired. It’s like having an adrenaline rush and coming down after the high is over. I’m just left numb and tired.

I’m not telling you this because I want sympathy, I’m telling you this because it helps shed light on the disorder. When people think that these type of disorders are just made up people like me look at them and laugh. They have no idea what the physical and emotional repercussions are and how terrible it is to have your life completely disrupted by an illness that you can’t control.

The next time you see someone that looks paranoid or is acting over the top consider what type of emotional state that they are really in before you jump to a conclusion. After all some of the most important people in my life get it even if they have never dealt with the illness before I came along.

Carmex and castration…

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You know that you work with amazing people when after so long they have just come to expect peculiar behavior from you. There really is no element of surprise anymore because nothing surprises them about my actions.

Today was obviously no exception. I literally held a whole conversation with some of my co-workers looking just like this:

Untapped talent right here folks...Carmex on my head, just hangin' out...

Untapped talent right here folks…Carmex on my head, just hangin’ out…

I was looking for a reaction but instead they just stood there and continued on with the conversation like nothing was out of place. I laughed hysterically while they told me that nothing is out of the ordinary with me anymore. Clearly I have been working with these people for long enough that I have used up all of my WTF moments with them. I waited around for someone who hasn’t been around me for as long and did get a reaction so at least the magic still works on someone.

Also, I have to comment about this video. If you haven’t seen it just watch the first 5 seconds:

 

First of all WTF does cutting off pig nuts have to do with anything? In part of the commercial she says something about being able to “cut the pork” in Washington. What does that even mean? Seriously?! I like pork. Is she going to go there and cut me off a pork steak? Maybe cut me out some bacon? I seriously didn’t take anything away from the campaign ad. I have no clue what she is even talking about. Do some research on her. She has a website where she sells t-shirts with “pig ball” slogans as well as other pork related items. I can’t take anything about this woman seriously.

To round out “throw back Thursday” I’m sharing my favorite song of all time. When I say all time that’s what I mean. Turn this song on and I’m all sorts of ready to go. (No idea where I’m going but it could potentially be somewhere interesting..Plus once I listen to this song it typically means my musical playlist is going to be super awesome for the rest of the night. I’m a rock star like that and probably the best DJ talent that no one has ever seen!)

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